Letter To The Past

Dear Salasia,

I don’t remember you anymore. Didn’t want to. I don’t even know you anymore.  We’ve changed so much. Each of us changed so much to the circumstances. But one reason I don’t want to remember you, didn’t bother to, is because you are no longer a pertinence subject in my life. I no longer know who you are. Even if I do, we would be on totally different wavelengths. We can be no more than just friends. Than just bestfriends.

 

I’ll of course remember you as who I want to remember you as. You were such a great friend. Remember that time you ditched our plan and I had to pay 20 bucks for Nora’s birthday present back in primary two? Or how about the times when you annoy me with maths question during Ms Ong classes? Si Rong told me to be patient because after all you were my friend who needed help. But you annoy me and now I want to tell you how you never cease to irk me with those tedious question you post to me.  I hated it whenever you make fun of me. Call me tomboy, make fun of me with the other girls. I know I didn’t care at that point of time, my tomboyish ignorance was taking it’s toll. But now it’s gone. Gone with that uncanny tomboyism I  used to spot because that was who I used to be. Do you remember that time where Sarah asked me a personal question regarding her boyfriend and I looked at you and I dragged her away because I didn’t want you to hear it? I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being so selfish and uncaring of your emotions. After that, I didn’t even remember what happened. Did I tell Sarah the awful truth? Or did I unconsciously cause you emotional detriments? Did my actions doubt our friendship?  I’m sorry. Then there was that time, after our weekly assembly. I was at the hall queuing up to refill my waterbottle. You asked me to hold your waterbottle for me and so I  had two  bottles in my hands. Yours and Mine. Of course, when I drank I didn’t realize I was drinking from your waterbottle. I spitted it out and you looked baffled. Then you turned around and politely asked me to take out something from your bag and hold it. It was a card, not yet enveloped. I feigned curiosity (in actual fact, I was just being nosy) and opened it. It was a Chinese new year card, addressed to me. You wrote “Hi Udang, I wish you a Chinese new year. I hope that you happy always with your family. I hope you always get a lot of hongbao’s. OK! I want to stop now. KONG CE FAI CAI!!!!” Atop the whole cute ludicrous message, you drew two heads with mushroom hair. Obviously, your drawing is as bad as mine. You snatched that card from me instantly and sniggered. I remember smiling and laughing at the same time. I didn’t say thank you when I received the card in my mail. Thank You for the card. I’m reading it right now and I miss that young youth we had in ourselves.

 

When your father passed away, we were primary 4. You didn’t attend classes for almost a week. I didn’t even bother to call you up. We weren’t close but I was close to you. During one of the recesses, we brought up your dad’s death. Si Rong did, not me. I remember saying “Don’t bring it up. Wait she cry” I looked at you and you managed a smile. Somehow, your face didn’t show any sign of sadness of forlornness. Did that smile meant “Thank You, I needed that?” or was it simply a polite smile where you are mentally saying “that was very nice of you. Don’t worry, I think I’m okay” We’ve never talked about your father’s death. I guess we were both too small to be thinking about it. But I wished I had talked about it with you.  Then, there was that countless moments where you amuse and entertain me with your brother’s stories of his never ending girlfriends. You didn’t like the first one, the air stewardess. I remember laughing. My brother would never have had an air stewardess for a girlfriend. Laughing with you wasn’t memorable. Because it didn’t embed itself in my mind until minutes ago. While writing this. Now it’s all coming back.. A But it was fun. Laughing with no air of life’s shit between it. Thank you for making me laugh. Thank you for sharing your life with me.

 

If we had kept in touch, it would be what? 14 years of knowing each other? Ironically, I don’t know much about you. I hated it when you kept on going about a certain something but in the end you get nowhere. I see you sometimes, with Aisyah your bestfriend since kindergarden. My friend since kindergarden. When I see you at Toa Payoh Central, you’ll wave and I’ll wave and everytime we never stop to talk. I didn’t bother and I guessed you felt the same way too. My mother told me she saw your mother working at the nearby massage parlour. How has she been? I used to like her. She was very nice and polite.  I used to be someone ignorant. Like when I never cared about your feeling when I shoot off my mouth at anything I dislike. But I grew up and I guess I might not have realized it, but being friends with you has made me realize (as I grow up) that I no longer want to be that uncaring, inconsiderate, ignorant friend anymore. We were young and yes, we didn’t care that much. But I don’t want to be that young and carefree person anymore.  I want to be someone more, someone else perhaps.

When my uncle past away, I was in front of NTUC. In my scarf. I saw you, mouth wide opened. For 30 seconds I remained that way. I guess I was just shocked and happy to see you. You were taller and your boobs were definitely bigger than mine. You grow up so fast and I grow up too slow. I heard all about you. Bad things. Bad generic stuff. Nothing detailed.  I saw you on tv. Channel Five once. Your acting was so horrible. Yes, I am telling you now. It was so horrible, I feel like laughing and crying at the same time.

 

Right now, I can’t visualize you in my mind anymore. All this while, before I write this letter, I had you somewhere at the back of my head. But after writing all of this down, my memory of you seems to be attached to this virtual letter. Gee, this is pathetic. My memory of you inside a virtual letter??!??!?

I’m sorry for my brutal inconsiderate remarks years ago.  I really am. I hope you are doing fine now.  Have a nice day. I think if ever I see you on channel 5 again, instead of guffawing at your acting talent, I’ll remember all those times we’ve shared together.